


This Is How We Fall Apart

by harperslanding



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Gen, Heavy Angst, Mental Health Issues, Second person POV, Suicide Attempt, boy this is gonna be a bucketload of angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-12-22 13:57:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21077918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harperslanding/pseuds/harperslanding
Summary: Your name is Garnet and you're the leader of the Crystal Gems.You're a fusion of the gems Ruby and Sapphire, who are madly in love with each other and have been for millenia. You're something of an adopted mother to Steven Universe, the half-gem hybrid that managed to persuade the Diamonds to change their ways and abolish the gem hierarchy. You've been the leader of the Crystal Gems for fifteen years.It's a miracle it took you until now to crash and burn.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> anyway this fandom needs more garnet angst. seriously, weve got fics about pearl being depressed because of everything with rose, amethyst being depressed because of her self esteem issues, Lapis struggling with ptsd, ive even seen a bunch of depressed!peridot fics, but nobody ever considers that garnet might need help too.
> 
> trigger warning for suicide attempt in the first chapter

You’re falling.

You’re falling from a cliff so high you don’t think there’s even a fraction of a chance that you’ll survive.

This is, somehow, a good thing.

There are no humans on the beach right now. It’s midnight, around three in the morning. Steven and the other Crystal Gems are at the temple, still unaware of your conspicuous absence. By the time they find out what’s happened, you’ll just be a few shards in the sand. They’ll bury you.

You know, logically, that you should be upset about that. You feel a little guilty that you’re forcing such a lonely, traumatising event on the other Crystal Gems, but not as guilty as you logically know that you should feel.

You’re about to die. You can’t bring yourself to care.

Will it really be you that dies, any more than Sugilite and Sardonyx will die now? No. You won’t die, you just won’t be anymore. It won’t be your maroon gems that will be found in pieces on the beach. You’ll be the one that they mourn, yes, but you won’t be the one that dies.

This isn’t suicide. This is murder.

Or maybe it’s both.

Your train of thought is cut short rather abruptly as the ground nears you. There’s a pain in your palms that should be unbearable, and then nothing.

* * *

You don’t exist.

You simply aren’t anywhere in the universe at this point in time. You don’t exist. There are faint traces of what used to be you in the rings around your components’ fingers, and you’ll always be in their love for each other, but functionally speaking, you don’t exist right now.

This is what you expected. You did what you did with the full knowledge that, if you succeeded, you wouldn’t exist anymore. It wouldn’t be you that died, but rather two strangers, two people that you love dearly yet have never once interacted with. You wouldn’t be any more dead than Sugilite or Sardonyx would be; you wouldn’t die, you would simply cease to be.

You made that choice with the full knowledge that, if you succeeded, your components would be shattered and you would simply never exist again. But you didn’t succeed, your components aren’t shattered and you will exist again.

You don’t exist right now. But you will soon.

The concerned, confused boy spitting on his hands and holding the gems he found on the beach will make sure of that.

* * *

He has no idea what happened. He’s naive, and the others go to great lengths to make excuses on your behalf. They invent some ancient gem artifact you were fighting that caused you to fall off that cliff. They tell him that it was all an accident, that you’ll be okay once you’ve regenerated inside your gems, and then find some excuse for him to leave the temple so they can cry.

They’re so confused.

Because why would you do this? Your life is so perfect. You’re an ideal fusion, made of love. You’re confident and well-liked by others. Why would you ever want to do something like this?

Amethyst finds your note. It’s in a bubble in the Burning Room, exactly where you left it in the hope that they would find it. They weren’t totally sure before, but now they know for certain that it wasn’t an accident.

Your note does not explain as much as you hoped it would.

You were hardly in a good state of mind when you wrote it, and things that seemed blindingly obvious to you were less obvious to everyone else. Your hands were shaking at the time and that made some of the words a little unclear. They have some vague idea that you weren’t happy, that you couldn’t handle the stress, though what was stressing you is a mystery to them.

They’re terrified you’ll try to do it again once you’re reformed, so they’re taking shifts in watching Ruby and Sapphire’s gems. There’s no possible way that you’ll get time to yourself to process your survival before you’re forced to explain why you did it.

You can’t be faulted for not being aware of this. You don’t even exist at the moment.

But you will soon.

* * *

You still don’t exist.

Sapphire is overwhelmed by dizziness when she reforms, dizziness caused by the fact that, for her, mere seconds ago she was falling, and now she’s sitting down on a flat surface. Ruby is even more disoriented, and falls to the floor in an ungraceful heap several times before she can stand properly.

Neither even bother to check their own gems, instead grabbing the other’s arms to check their wife’s gems for any cracks. Both gems are smooth, perfectly smooth, and the two realise that they’re in the burning room.

They see Amethyst watching them, silently but cautiously, and their faces fall. They knew this was a possibility, they saw it, you saw it. But they hoped -- _you_ hoped -- that this wouldn’t be the future that came true.

“It didn’t work…” breathes Sapphire, tears falling from her one eye.

“It’s okay!” says Ruby hurriedly, eager to reassure her. “We can, uh, we can try again!”

“Not now that they know we want to…”

Amethyst stares disapprovingly, not sure what to say. The ice spreading across the floor is being melted by Ruby’s flames before it can do any damage. Sapphire pulls Ruby toward her and cries into her chest.

The two start glowing white.

You exist.

You wish you didn’t.

* * *

Amethyst texts Pearl, and Pearl arrives just as Amethyst finishes telling you everything that’s happened since you fell. It’s been three days. Steven must be worried sick. Amethyst and Pearl must be even more worried.

Steven is at Connie’s house, so they have you sit down on the couch, with Amethyst and Pearl standing over you disapprovingly.

“Why?” asks Pearl.

It’s a one-word question.

A one-word answer won’t be good enough.

“I wrote a note,” you mumble, slightly defensively.

“Yeah, I found it,” explains Amethyst. “It … didn’t explain much.”

“We don’t understand, Garnet,” says Pearl with a frown. “You always seemed so happy. You’re a fusion made of love, we never thought something like this could happen. Was there a problem going on that we weren’t aware of?”

You don’t understand how she can question it. You don’t understand how she can question any of it.

You already are the answer.


	2. Chapter 2

  
You rather quickly find out that the best way to cope with Pearl interrogating you as to the reasons behind your attempt is to leave.

The second anyone brings it up, you leave the room. Is it a healthy coping mechanism? No. But does it help you get through the day? Also no.

But is it the only thing you’re capable of attempting right now?

Yes.

And is it scaring the shit out of your loved ones?

Also yes. But what else can you do?

So, you slot yourself back into the routine of the Crystal Temple. You act as though nothing happened. You listen to Steven rambling about the latest news in Beach City and you help Pearl clean up and you almost unfuse with shock when Amethyst nonchalantly informs you that she’s not going to be the one to explain your attempt to Steven.

“And neither is Pearl.”

“I thought you made up an excuse for me…” you mumble.

“Yeah, some sort of obscure ancient gem artifact you were meant to be fighting. But Steven’s not an idiot. He’ll figure it out eventually, and you know he hates being lied to.”

“...I’m not telling him. He’ll blame himself.”

“Not as much as he will if he figures out what happened and does not know why. At least if you tell him up front, you’ll get a chance to explain that it wasn’t his fault.” Amethyst’s voice drops to a whisper, more to herself than you. “If you won’t tell any of us that it’s not our fault, at least give Steven that luxury.”

“...”

“...”

“...I’m sorry.”

“You should be!” Some sort of dam seems to break in Amethyst and all of her pent-up rage comes flooding out. “You tried to go and abandon us and you won’t even explain why!” She kicks a drawer for emphasis. “You -- you know when you pull shit like that, it’s not just you that could die! You almost killed Sardonyx, and Alexandrite, and Sugilite, and -- fuck, Garnet, at least tell me why you did it! You owe us that much!”

“...”

“Yeah, that’s it, don’t say anything.” Amethyst is calm once again, but her voice is bitter and it’s clear you’re not forgiven. “Just leave us all to blame ourselves for your shitty decision. Leaders work in mysterious ways.” She sighs. “I gotta go. My human friends are waiting on me.”

“Amethyst…”

“I have to go.” She glares at you as she leaves. “I don’t let people down when they’re relying on me.”

The implications are clear.

You let her down.

You’re not sure if you let her down by attempting, or if you let her down by surviving.

* * *

It’s hard not to resent them.

They’re trying so hard. They’re tirelessly trying to get you to answer to their interrogations, to find some possible cause that they can deal with. They’re constantly reminding you that there’s so many different Crystal Gems you can talk to if you need help. They’re genuinely worried for your safety. They genuinely want you to feel better.

You still resent them.

It’s the same problem that you ran into while you were writing the note -- things that seem blindingly obvious to you are less obvious to those around you. It’s easy to forget that the inner workings of your mind are invisible to everyone but you and that expecting them to understand how you feel is ridiculous.

Resenting them for that is ridiculous. You know that resenting them for not completing the obvious is ridiculous.

You still resent them.

The constant questions are well-meaning, but by God they’re annoying. The never-ending stream of why gets on your nerves like nothing else.

It’s particularly annoying because asking you is the first thing they’ve tried. Because they won’t make any attempt to find out why you did it before they default to asking you. Because even now, even after you almost shattered your own gems, it’s still your responsibility to have all the answers, your responsibility to think of everything.

Shit like this is exactly what you were trying to avoid.

You suppose you shouldn’t have expected much better. Shattering your own gems isn’t exactly a healthy way of avoiding something.

But neither is forcing someone else to do all the work for you!

You want to scream, it’s so frustrating. Because you know that they’re incredibly clever gems, you know that they can figure out why you’re upset. You even left a note to make things easy for them, for crying out loud! But instead of taking a few minutes to reflect, they’re still getting you to think of everything, still forcing you to carry out the difficult task of telling them.

They ask too many questions.

You’re the opposite. You ask no questions at all if you can help it. Your suggestions are phrased in a way that leaves room for them to disagree, but everything is always a demand for information, never a question. Because asking questions, even the most simple questions possible, would require admitting that you don’t know.

At least demanding that they tell you what you want to know gives you room to make up for your gap in knowledge by showing that you have authority.

Besides, you don’t need to rely on anyone else. You can rely on yourself. You are made of love, after all.

But sometimes love isn’t enough.

You need to talk to Pearl and Amethyst. A part of you knows that. Both parts, actually, it’s just that Ruby’s rather more reluctant to accept or acknowledge it. You know, regardless of whether you want to admit it, that you need to talk to someone about what’s been going on in your head, and that now is the worst possible time to dismiss Pearl’s concerned questioning of your mental wellbeing and Amethyst’s regular reminders that you can go to her if you need to talk.

You need to talk to Pearl and Amethyst. You know this. You will not talk to Pearl and Amethyst.

Because you can’t talk to them about how you feel without talking to them about what’s causing your feelings. And you would shatter yourself before you opened up about something like that.

Not that that’s saying much, at this point.

You wish they would put the pieces together. You wish they would accept that you’re not going to have the courage to tell them yourself and resort to analysing your note, analysing the dynamics of the Crystal Gems, searching for any possible solution. Even if they’re wrong, you’d at least have a starting point to continue the conversation from.

But they’re not going to give up on asking you directly. They’re not going to chicken out of a difficult conversation, they’re going to keep asking until you answer. Because that’s who they are.

They just question it. They just question all of it.

They never consider that maybe they already are the answer.


	3. Chapter 3

You could tell yourself that you actually gave Pearl an answer when she asked why you attempted today, and it would technically be true.

Or you could be honest with yourself and admit that “because I wanted to die” isn’t much better as an answer than just standing up and leaving whenever she mentioned the topic, and it certainly didn’t tell her anything that she couldn’t have guessed herself with minimal reasoning.

...On the other hand, you admitted that it happened. More importantly, you admitted that you were suicidal. It seems like an obvious thing to admit after a suicide attempt, but … it’s something, at least.

You’d like to think you made some sort of progress. Focusing on the small step you might have made is better than focusing on the miles ahead of you.

You mean that last part literally. You hate when Steven tries to force you to go out into Beach City with him.

“Come on, Garnet!” he whines. “I’ll get you two donuts, since you’re two gems!”

“I don’t need to eat.”

“Well, you should get some fresh air!”

“I don’t need to breathe.”

“Well…” He pouts. “You haven’t come out of the temple once since you fell off that cliff and got poofed! You should come outside!”

You feel like he’s onto your scent.

You go to the Big Donut with him.

It’s nice to have some time away from the temple, secure in the knowledge that nobody knows what you did, what you tried to do. Pearl walks on eggshells, treating you like some delicate flower, and never ceases questioning you about how you’re doing. Amethyst switches from compassionate to furious at the drop of the hat as she struggles to work out why you would have done something like that. Bismuth, Peridot, Lapis, and the others all avoid you, unsure how to proceed.

But Steven is his usual bubbly self, and Lars and Sadie are their usual un-bubbly selves. They don’t treat you like you’re a house of cards that will collapse at the slightest push. That’s … something, at least.

The donuts are nice, but just a little too heavy on the sugar.

* * *

“Why would you do something like that?”

He’s crying. You’re crying. You can’t breathe.

You don’t need to breathe.

It still hurts.

“I --” you stammer, trying to defend yourself. It’s hard enough trying to defend your decision to the other gems, let alone Steven, so young and empathetic and already prone to declaring other people’s emotions as his responsibility. “I -- I wasn’t --”

“It was because of me, wasn’t it?”

“No!” you gasp desperately, trying to assure him, but you can barely stay together yourself. “Steven, I promise, it wasn’t your fault --”

“It was!” he insists, tears streaming down his face. “This -- this is all my fault! None of this would have happened if -- if --if Mom was still here!”

“Steven…”

You force your eyes open. Damned future vision. “Fuck you, Sapphire.” You involuntarily punch the nearest wall. “Fuck you too, Ruby.”

It’s taking all of your strength to stay fused. Your hands are shaking and so is a good chunk of the rest of your body.

You still can’t breathe.

The fact that you don’t need to does not help.

So. This is your life now. Obtrusive visions of futures where your loved ones are hurt that you have to look into because it’s your responsibility to be the leader, your responsibility to keep everyone safe with your knowledge of the future.

This isn’t news. It’s been this way for fifteen years.

But holy fuck, it hits hard when you realise that it’s never going to change, and that you can never escape it because Pearl and Amethyst are going to be constantly watching to make sure you don’t shatter yourself from now on, and gems don’t succumb to illness or aging like organic life does.

This is your eternity. Your entire future. Nothing’s ever going to change.

The fact that it’s all you’ve ever known does not make it any better.

Because, in a way, it’s only all half of you has ever known. Not that it matters. Sapphire couldn’t cope with this without Ruby to keep her going for as long as she did, and Ruby can’t cope without Sapphire full stop.

You knew that the only way you could stay alive was to be whole. When you gave up on staying alive, you had to do it together.

Together or not at all. That was always the case with you, with Ruby and Sapphire. You were a package deal. You had both of them, or neither. Even when unfused, they hate being apart.

Ruby and Sapphire are in this together, or not at all.

It seems that they’re in this together.

You wish they weren’t.

Nothing’s ever going to change. This is your life for the next few million years, whether you like it or not. You only got one chance to escape and you failed.

Nothing’s ever going to change.

“...Garnet? Is everything okay?”

Maybe something’s going to change.


End file.
